India in my Blood.

    I am here in India on my annual holiday visit. I usually stay a month and a half. I cannot describe how it is to come back ´home´. The whole year I miss everything about India...the chaos, sounds, greenery, food, the taste of the water, the fruits, the street foods, my family, my friends. I think I build things up to such a pitch to such a level of expectation...that I am invariably disappointed for a while after I am back...then India has a way of sweeping you with its unfolding dramas. Be it some political scam, some unsung hero, the suffering of the poor or the plush and luxury thats ´ín your face´ I love being here. I feel loved when I am here. I feel like I belong. India has this way of accepting and holding everyone into its fold....if you accept it the way it is. Its the place i want to die in.I hope my daughter can grow up to understand India in all its glory...all its poverty. If you don´t have it in your blood....its a tough country to understand. Not intellectually but from your heart!

I don´t Judge.....

     My upbringing was such that I have been taught not to discuss other peoples lives, not to gossip or be quick to judge others. I quickly realized that ´ Treat others as you would like to be treated´is just a beautiful phrase . We as humans are quite cruel and quick to judge. On top of it we even have images of other cultures and people. How they behave and how they are...even before we know them! Let me say a few quick words and you think of the first thing that pops up un your head. German. Brazil. Americans. Muslims. Jews. Indians. Swiss. Bangladesh. There were countries....now, Models, Actor, swimmer, Ambani, maid. So you see whether you like it or not they already have an image. When you don´t judge...you don´t envy others. No one knows whats behind the beautiful woman's lovely smile, or what the lucky mother with the perfect angel of a baby has to put up at home. Or how the successful, jet setting business person feels on the inside. Don´t look at others and talk with your heart full of envy. Its the ugliest a human can become. What someone wears, or how much they drink, or don´t drink or likes the ladies...whatever!!  Its none of our business. So live and let live!! Believe me life is better this way :)

The sexes.

   A woman makes a house a home. A touch of her finger brings order to things. Her laughter is the fountain of life. She is an artist not an  artisan when it comes to building up social life - these are words from The Gitanjali by Tagore. So what went wrong? Why cannot the modern man and women accept and respect each others differences? What is so difficult to see that its together that there is harmony? That they complete each other? The modern woman wants to be equal to her man. Which is good and how it should be, but somehow society has forgotten that we are psychologically different. Physically its obvious, the difference. Women are much more complicated than a man. Everyday she wakes up and decides what she will wear.Its her way of showing the world the reflection of her feeling for that day. A man does not give so much thought to his clothes. Her child keeps her bound to her house and chastity is her offering of love. the modern woman in her race of equality has been given an unfair bargain. Now the man is afraid to say to a women that he would like to take care of her or protect her....not that a woman wants it ...but its a natural instinct that jumps to the fore when you love someone. He is afraid that the woman might walk away thinking he is old fashioned or machoistic .  Why does a woman not realize that she can be her womanly self and still be equal to a man? doing things that are stupid...like smoking does not make her equal. A man can be a great father...but its a woman that is the one who actually educates her children. Its a natural instinct. its something to be proud of. We can really change the world, make it better- one child at a time. I think the modern woman is a little lost today. especially in the west there is this big misunderstanding about the eastern women. We are looked upon as repressed. that maybe true in many cases but if the east copies the west then the whole world is doomed. Its not all about material things, about your own self. Don´t loose yourself, at the same time don´t drown yourself trying to be a fragment of an idea of an image conjured up my the marketing department of a product advertisement.
     Look within, find yourself. How can you make this world better? Can you really if you are not sure who you are?  And its not all ok. Buying things and having the latest car is not going to help you feel fulfilled. Take a deeeep breath woman ......and just be who you are. So what if you change your dress 5 times before you step out. Or you change your mind about things. We are all about feelings and instincts.  About intuition. So don´t be fooled into being like a man. He is different and often clueless where we are on sound grounds.

My Three times rule.

    I always try something I am not too sure of at least 3 times before I make up my mind not to like it. With stuff I like...I know from the 1st second :) Well, my big problem is I like or don´t like... friends have told me I should be more flexible - hubby darling thinks i am too radical - and a dear friend told me I see things in black and white, like a dog. Since everything has to be like-not like, good-bad, love-hate---with me; the 3 times rule works out great for the times I am undecided or in a ´grey´ area about something. It helped me trying out culturally different foods. It helped me when I meet new people and am undecided about them. It helped me many times in my life until now.
       Today I had the most uncomfortable experience....the MRI machine. I hope no one who is reading this has to ever go through it. I googled( yup! I google everything), read, talked to my doc and the nurse and in spite of everything it was a very ,very uncomfortable experience...one I am not neutral, undecided or in the gray about. I calmed myself about the bit about actually going into a tunnel like machine....it was Siemens , so felt kind of better. Then my head started racing around trying to remember if they make it in China. Could not remember (typical me-and my short term memory) Then I started picturing how sad it would be to die inside the MRI machine if it malfunctions...like a horrible c grade movie-revenge of the machines . I was told to lie on my tummy to be absolutely still and that the machine makes really loud noises, so was given ear plugs. Can u imagine my terror - now if the machine went berserk, I would not be seeing or hearing when it collapses on my poor back! I thought of all the beautiful things that I could. My meditation techniques finally were put to some use. 20 minutes later. I was told not to move, to maintain my position and now they will be injecting contrasting fluid through my arms. I was reallllllly looking forward to moving, stretching or walking a bit. My arms and shoulders were numb-even my face was! try holding one position for 20 min, without moving at all. Then I was put back in for further 10 minutes.  What torture!! The worst was that the stuff that they injected gave me a funny ammonia-ish taste and smell and I was afraid I would throw up inside . So I started pressing on this thing they had given me, in case something went wrong. Did they stop the machine? Let me take a breather? or puke? NO. The operator came in and told me not to move. Then he held my hand through it and kept telling me if the images are not ok, because I moved- they would have to redo the whole thing. That was enough for me to go into my ´meditative state¨ and bear the next 10 minutes.Apparently I play Nirvana songs in my head when I am in this state.
       It was all over and I kept asking if the image was ok--YES!!. This is one thing I would never apply my rule of 3 to. I am sure I hate it. The nurse later told me that the nauseous feeling I had because of the liquid was very normal. UHh...why did you not warn me? Thats that, done with and hope I never need to do it again!

That Wonderful feeling.....

    Everyone has...and I hope everyone will experience that wonderful....sometimes frightening, feeling of being in love. How is it- it always hits you when you least expect it? I am talking about love..not attraction, not lust, not ¨I was sure it was love¨ but that feeling you get maybe just once in your lifetime...when you meet that special someone. You know it´s special as the feeling is totally different from just a very strong infatuation or a strong attraction. It´s your soulmate- the one person who really completes you. The feeling you get when you are with that person is ; like you are finally home.
   There have been songs, ballets, stories, movies, ballads, wars waged over true love. The pain of being apart form your love is bearable and forgotten as soon as you see their face. All cultures recognize true love and the concept of a soulmate. The feeling that you are truly complete now. That you were born to meet and marry, to live your life together with your other half. The lucky ones who do find their soulmate I guess live happy marriages which never feel like there is ever any difference between the two bodies. That reading of minds that completeness the love and respect can only grow with years.
    Aaaah...love !!

The End

   This is my last week in Florence. A week full of exams, presentations and mixed feelings. I can´t wait to get back home to see my family. To be around old friends...that comfortable feeling. The same time I am torn about leaving my new friends. Some a decade younger than me :) Its been a wonderful experience. Florence is so beautiful. I hope to revisit this city soon again. How is it that everytime I live in a place longer than a month I fall in love with the place? But this city will always have a special place in my heart. For all that I have learnt here. For all the beautiful things she holds.

The challenges of being true to yourself.

   A year ago, I found myself facing myself..a person I could not recognize. Where had I disappeared to? My spirit? My creativity? My opinions? My dreams? I had passed 12 years in a sleep walking state...trying hard to ´fit in´ to new cultures, being polite and burying all my real feelings. I could unwind with just a few childhood friends who I met once a year. Clothes had always been an extension on my personality...but it had been years my creations had not slipped out of my drawing boards and onto my body.
    It´s true I was more likable to people this way...so polite, meek and traditional.  But I was getting sick. really, physically sick with how far away I was to my true self. So I finally decided to do something about it. A few friends who are older to me with more life experience had been the ones who told me I was doing the right thing. My parents of cause. They always supported me. My husband supports me with what I am doing...sometimes saying I am having a mid life crises. I hope not! Am not in my mid life yet!! I have had friends who said I was crazy to do what I am doing. Why did I want to shake up my safe world? How could I leave my family and go away for 3 months? Mostly...I did not NEED anything. Financially I was secure...so why?
     NEED- I really did need this. I have never been more happy and these days of reflecting have been so good for my soul. I don´t want to go far from my core self...in the process..I have gone back to being outspoken and opinionated as I used to be. Not everyone can take this side of me. I know that. But being politely quiet and smiling and then discussing someone..is the worst thing one human can do to another. I could never stand that. I never want to hurt with what I say, but you can count on it being true.
    The young are true to themselves...so idealistic, so full of opinions, ideas to change the world . Until they realize they need to work to earn money...usually follow company ideals and policies that don´t fit in with what they believe. Be polite to people who hurt them, treat them badly. Prostitute themselves for work, to keep their position...to climb up the social ladder. Wanting what the neighbor has, so working more and more getting stuck with this system which seems to rob your creativity your soul. Until they are old and realize....what was all that about?! If I could just do it over again. They truly see what life is all about...but then its usually too old.
    I am glad I have opened my eyes. My family and friends have been supportive. I am happier than I have been for years. Being happy I know I can be a better friend, mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunty...to all those around me. Its a challenge...but a challenge worth taking up. difficult...but worth everything.